a year that I rose from ashes
& some personal sharing...
Before the start of 2019, I knew that it would become a challenge, even though I had no idea what is coming on its way.
This is the year that I was to say goodbye to all the familiars. My 4 years university degree, my boyfriend that supports all my biggest dreams, my international friends, the white little rental apartment, the crowded modern city of Hong Kong...
At the beginning of 2019, I made the decision to move back to Australia all by myself. Despite knowing how difficult it would be for me, I was clearly envisioned in where my heart belongs.
Everything felt stable until I finished my last exam for my bachelor's degree. The last day of school felt like any other. It was so familiar, that, you could almost forget that this is something you'll probably experience for the last time. A place that you always wanted to move on from, but would one day, look back at it, wishing you treasured this delicate seasonal flower that only blooms once in life,.
By June, I left Hong Kong, along with all the chaos that started to escalate beyond anyone's expectation. If you asked me during that time, how I felt about Hong Kong, I would probably say, it's a place that's just isn't suitable for me. But now looking back, it's a beautiful city, living in its own vibrant pulse, with colourful culture, and of course, amazing food, that you can almost never miss mentioning.
As I left this busy city, I went to the other extreme end, Adelaide. It probably was a reminder of how I should treasure the once so-called, modern city. When you change a view, you can see the beauty in anything. Just like a kaleidoscope.
Saying goodbye to the familiar didn't prepare me for the fear of the unknown. Unexpectedly, I fell into a period of depression, that it felt so painful as if the sunrise would be melt into the night of darkness.
Making changes in life and moving out of your comfort zone isn't a decision to be taken light of. So was mine. I experienced a period where my foundation started to crumble. The mindset that once supported me, is no longer serving my life.
This reminds me of Krishnamurti's sharing in 'total freedom' (which is a wonderful book that I would highly recommend anyone), he talked out, how we would need to shed, from all our beliefs, culture, nationality, gender, social status.... basically, everything that once gave us an identity. And after scraping off all those pieces of identity, we'll see our true self on the other end. Sometimes, who we truly are, would be someone totally different from who we thought we were.
What I was experiencing, was this shedding that Krishnamurti was talking about. Taking on identity is often easier than letting go. So once my illusion was crumbling, I felt the fear and pain from my ego.
During that period of time, I made the decision to move to Melbourne. Despite how lost I felt, I started to hear the difference between my fear voice which comes from threat, and my true voice which comes from love. And the decision on moving to Melbourne came from my true voice.
So there I was, packing my 11 boxes of life belongings, for the second time in this year, and went on a journey, to a city that I never lived in.
At this point, I am typing out this blog post, on a Saturday night after my long work, in a beautiful apartment that I longed for.
So now you might ask, how did everything turn out, was it hard?
It was hard, it still is hard, but it's definitely worth it.
And my true self on the other end, was, beyond my expectation, even though I'm still halfway through the journey of meeting her again.
I first met her during my meditation session with my counsellor. I saw a little girl, sitting on the floor all by her self, crying, with scars across her body. I walked towards her, giving her a hug and said "I am sorry that I ever let other people hurt you, but from now on, I promise you, I'll always love you, and I'll never hurt you. Whatever you want in life, I'll support you. No matter what obstacle comes, I'll be there, to fight through it, all you need to do is be yourself."
I saw the little girl standing up, and turned into a golden shining bird, that was flying across the sky happily. That was the first time, I saw my true self, and she's beautiful.
I see the strength and love inside the little girl, that chose love over hate no matter what challenges comes her way, no matter how people chose to hurt her, she always chooses to love back. And so that's what she did for me. Little Tienna stood up, and gave me a hug, saying,
"it's ok, I love you too."
